I'm not posting since a lot, sorry followers, sorry friends. You'll surely survive to my hiatus, but I'm sorry anyway. :)
I'm still painting my nails and making photos to them, just... Posting is something I don't want to do these weeks. My pics always need for a bit of photoshop, because the macro lenses are very mean with my cuticles, and I feel pretty lazy about editing them, so, please, be patient some time more. Don't unfollow me, I'll be back as soon as I'll feel better, I promise.
Why I'm not posting? I'm doing this post especially to explain the reason, because I think I need for a little outburst. It's very hard for me to express myself in english when I want to talk about personal matters, but my Italian friends already know what I'm passing through, so be patient and use your imagination to understand what I'm searching to say.
In addition to my pre-existing health problems, a month ago... My father's dead. I didn't see him for 3 years, and I have known about his illness only the last month. I have known about the gravity of the illness only the last 10 days, and I could to see him only the last week. I have no regrets, anyway. I was there with him, holding his hand for hours, speaking to him about silly things to make him smile, sleeping next to his bed. As much as I could. Until the last day, until three hours before... Before that. No... I don't want to use other words, I need to face the reality and use proper words, even they are cruel: until three hours before his death. His hand was still warm and sometimes I could feel light spasms, as he was trying to react in some way... But it was quite obvious that I coudn't find him there the next morning.
My relationship with my father wasn't easy. I can't explain in a single (and boring) post years of therapy, of course, but it wasn't easy, not at all. I'm not an easy person, he wasn't neither. But this isn't a proper system of misurement for love, and no one can decide this. But they do anyway. And this is painful for me. I know that I shouldn't be worried for what other people say and DON'T say, and what other people think and DON'T think, I know that, I know. But I'm still in shock cause I was all alone to the morgue seeing him into his coffin and I couldn't recognize him, and nobody has even laid a hand on my shoulder, except for three persons that made me a smile by distance. Why? Maybe because I dared to argue with my father for something I believed three years ago, and I still believe in? I have no remorses for that. Just... I would be stronger, more confident, more stable. I have no need for that family, for a very easy reason: they aren't my family They weren't in the past, they aren't now and surely they won't be in the future. My father was my father, they were just "my father's family", nothing more.
Just... I don't feel well. I can't sleep properly, I often wake up crying or I run out of breath, and my hearth does silly jokes, and my neck is like marble, and I don't mean colored like a marble nail art...
I wanted to write all of this for me, I'm not an egocentric person, I'm not so frustrated that I need to speak about my personal life online, just I wanted to do this. Just I needed to do this.
See you soon, I hope. <3
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